Photo by Даша.
When we think about trauma it is usually in the context of a harmful, interpersonal event. But have you ever considered trauma in the workplace and how we bond to it? According to the American Psychological Association, trauma is defined as an emotional response to a horrible event. Trauma bonding occurs when an unhealthy attachment is developed by a person who has experienced trauma in an interpersonal setting with the abuser – an attachment that is so strong it is emotionally difficult to let go. It sounds like something we’d hear about when it comes to an unhealthy romantic relationship, but unfortunately trauma bonding can take place within families, religious groups, and even our workspaces. I know right? Rarely do we stop and consider someone having an unhealthy attachment with a toxic boss or job! But why not? In many ways our jobs can be abusive and let’s not deny the fact that some bosses have narcissistic traits. Believe it or not, trauma bonding is very common among employees who find themselves in toxic work situations.
My experience with trauma bonding came with my first career as a social worker. For 23 years I was often passed over for management and leadership roles with no explanation given as to why, underpaid for the jobs I performed, and told things would get better – but they never did. I experienced a lot of gaslighting from white counterparts who often made me feel as if I was an imposter, although I was usually overqualified for the roles I worked in. Twenty-three years is a long time to be connected to a profession that makes you feel less than, but I often told myself, “Girl…you have been through so much, you can’t possibly give up your success as a social worker and start all over again in a new profession.” Sadly, what I didn’t realize was I had developed a trauma bond with my career.
Back then, I never stopped to consider what I was going through to be a form of trauma. I didn’t see the glaring warning signs, but once I became aware that trauma can happen in the workplace, and I had loss myself within my career and become addicted to the abusive cycle, I realized the red flags had been there all along.
Signs of trauma bonding can include the following:
- Mistrust – Feeling like you’ve been through so much on this particular job that you can’t just throw the history you have with it away.
- Criticism – You’re always made to feel like your work isn’t good enough.
- Manipulation & Gaslighting – Being told that if you do extra work it will contribute to your career success. Not being briefed on important issues, but still expected to know what is going on and if you complain, being told it’s all in your mind and you’re being difficult.
- Resignation & Giving Up – Constantly saying you’re going to quit, but never leaving out of fear that things will be worse with a new employer and your dependency on familiarity with your current coworkers and management.
- Loss of Self – Feeling like you can’t survive without your job. Your world literally revolves around your work 24/7. You’ve become a workaholic.
- Addiction to the Cycle – Feeling like this is the perfect job for you and throwing yourself into your work, then moments later absolutely hating your employer.
- Poor Boundaries – You’re expected to go beyond your normal job duties and if you refuse you are labeled as disengaged, told that you lack motivation and aren’t seen as a team player. You receive calls after hours from your supervisor and you are expected to answer.
If you find yourself nodding your head up and down as you read through these red flags, you are not alone. That’s a good indication you’ve formed a trauma bond with your current employer or profession. Scary, right?
So I guess you’re wondering what are some steps you can take if you find yourself in this situation – bonding with your job or career over harmful events and experiences?
Start by giving yourself permission to heal. It doesn’t matter where the abuse has occurred, it is going to leave you wounded and you will need time to heal. This starts with you acknowledging that the abuse has happened and that you have been hurt by the unhealthy actions of someone else. It means sitting with your feelings and understanding it’s not your fault and you deserve to feel good about yourself as an employee and within your profession.
Build a support system. This can be a mental health therapist, a career coach, or a support group of like minded individuals who have had similar experiences. Realize you don’t have to go through this alone. When you have a solid support system it makes you stronger. My support system included friends, a therapist, a psychiatrist, and several business coaches (my goal was to build my business from a side hustle to one day replace my full time position).
Plan your exit strategy. Look…the reality is your toxic job isn’t going to get better and the only way the trauma will end is if you resign. Have your resume redone by a professional, work with a career coach, take advantage of the trainings that your job offers to help develop your skill set. Like I mentioned earlier, I also invested in several business coaches and I began to pivot and build a brand for myself outside of my job and the profession I wanted to leave.
Set healthy boundaries and start practicing self care. This means learning to say no. Setting your out of office autoresponder at 5pm on Fridays and allowing yourself to enjoy your weekend. Not answering work calls after hours and blocking your coworkers on social media (trust me on this one). Practicing self care looks like you eating healthy, exercising regularly, journaling and meditation. Honey, it’s time to put yourself first!
Trauma bonding in the workplace can be overwhelming. You may be feeling hopeless and/or helpless- as if there is no way out. Mentally it may be a challenge trying to figure out what you are going through and how to get out of this situation. I needed the guidance of a professional and you probably do too, because getting out of a toxic work situation isn’t as simple as telling yourself, “it’s just a job, relax and get over it.”
Dr. Carey Yazeed is a behavioral scientist who specializes in psychological safety in the workplace. She is the author of Shut’em Down: Black Women, Racism, and Corporate America, Everyday Struggle: How Toxic Workplaces Impact Black Women (both were bestsellers on Amazon in the category of business conflict), and Unbreak My Soul: How Black Women Can Begin To Heal From Workplace Trauma. Dr. Yazeed is currently available for speaking engagements and to facilitate corporate trainings. Click here to learn more.
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