“Can we have an honest conversation?”
Have you ever met someone who constantly reminds you they are an ally? The word is included in their greeting, it is woven into all of their conversations, it’s listed in their LinkedIn headline, and you see it in their email signature. Ally, ally, ally.
Since the world witnessed the murder of George Floyd in the Summer of 2020 via Facebook Live, the word ally has literally become the battle cry for those who claim to care about Black people and any other group society deems to be a minority or “different.” Before then, no one really gave a damn about any of us. Now in 2023, we suddenly have an influx of caring souls that are trying to comfort us as we stand in the face of adversity; an overflow of “diversity experts” and an overabundance of self proclaimed allies who, in their minds, believe their life mission is to protect us.
Unfortunately, many who call themselves an ally don’t practice what they publicly preach. They don’t speak up when they hear the micro-aggressions, or see the bullying and the overt discrimination, especially in the workplace. Instead, they avoid making eye contact with their recently oppressed co-worker; while remaining silent in the moment. After the dust settles, they scurry to meet us by the water cooler where they offer artificial support in the form of thoughts, prayers and a pat on the back. A look of sympathy is usually thrown in for good measure, while they patronize us with additional statements such as, “That was so horrible,” and ” You didn’t deserve to be treated that way,” or “You know I’ve got your back, right?” all while clutching their invisible pearls. Then right before they disappear into the office abyss, they pause and a slight smile appears as they remind us once again that they are an ally and to let them know if there is anything they can do to help.
This is where we want to scream, “What happened to you back then?!” Instead, we remain silent because we know that they really don’t want to hear us and what we just witnessed was a symbolic gesture of “good faith,” but in real life no one still gives a damn and they surely aren’t going to save us.
“Am I lying? Tell me…I’m wrong? Because I know you see it and feel it too.”
Unfortunately, many who call themselves allies suffer from white savior complex. Their performance is self-serving and has nothing to do with benefiting anyone except themselves. They do what they perceive to be good work in hopes of earning a participation trophy, because they believe their self appointed titles and a few comforting words are all that it takes to demolish systemic racism and structural inequalities. Newsflash – it’s not.
Here’s my 2 cents. Bruce Wayne didn’t run around Gotham announcing he was Batman. Real allies aren’t making public service announcements every 5 seconds that they are trying to change the world, they just roll up their sleeves and do the work.
Look, I know some of you reading this are true allies and I applaud you, but for those of you who tosses the word around like a rag doll and does nothing, these tips are for you!
- Decolonize your thinking – I need you to question your beliefs when you find yourself thinking negatively about people who don’t look like you. I need you to challenge your implicit biases vs glossing over them as if they don’t matter because you think putting yourself on the ally pedal stool somehow excludes you from engaging in racists behaviors too.
- Stop thinking of us as your DEI projects – If the only reason you are friends with a Black person, work for a Black person, or volunteer for a Black community organization is so you can call yourself an ally, you are using us in addition to being manipulative. My advice, seek out the services of a mental health therapist because you have a lot to unpack internally.
- Use your power, privilege and position in the moment – When you see oppression taking place open your mouth right then and there! Don’t wait until you are at the water cooler or in the employee bathroom to say how badly you feel and that shouldn’t have happened. We need you to speak up when we are going through it, not after the fact. Stop sipping on your latte for a second and make this your business. Speak out regarding the discriminatory hiring practices within your organization. Work to eliminate the systemic barriers that prohibit your diverse coworkers from showing up as their authentic selves. Do the damn work!
- Stop talking over us and instead listen to understand us – Your white privilege has you believing you know what is best for us and frankly, you don’t. You have never experienced life through our eyes nor walked a mile in our shoes (and being married to a person of color doesn’t give you that experience from their perspective). No two minorities are the same. What makes us unique just like everyone else are the intersection of various characteristics. Listen to what we the oppressed are telling you vs drawing your own conclusion because you read a book or took a class. Don’t just hear what we are saying, but work to understand our individual perspectives. We are not a monolith.
- Realize minorities don’t need you to protect or swaddle us – We need you to help us fight! We are out here getting our asses kicked while you scream from the sidelines about allyship. Please put the pom pom’s down and get on this battlefield with us.
- Sponsor a minority – When we are not in the room speak up for us! Toot our horn for that promotion, recommend us for that consulting opportunity, help to elevate our voices vs continuing in the spirit of nepotism or leaning into your own affinity bias or worst, meeting us at the water cooler with your thoughts and prayers.
- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable – being an ally isn’t a walk in the park. There will be times when you feel uncomfortable and want to throw your bullhorn down and run and hide. I need you to lean into the uncomfortableness, because with growth comes growing pains and as the song says, “Nobody said it would be easy.”
At the end of the day, my life isn’t a performance and neither should your allyship be. Show me, show us how you’re working to destroy systemic inequalities, while holding people who look like YOU accountable in real life vs patronizing us with these water cooler moments.
If you found this article enlightening, consider buying Dr. Yazeed a cup of coffee.
Dr. Carey Yazeed is a behavioral scientist, bestselling author, and sought-after keynote speaker who creates safe workplace for Black women. Click here to learn how you can have her speak at your next event.